My Eyebrow Pencil and Me: A Trichotillomania Story

I first noticed my trichotillomania when I was 14 years old, during my freshman year of high school. This is the year where you no longer feel like a kid, and school suddenly becomes more serious. Homework piles up, grades feel more important, and the pressure of thinking about college starts to weigh on you. I had always done well in school, but freshman year made it feel like good grades were no longer enough.

I started to notice that during tests I would get so anxious that I would pull at my eyebrow hairs or twirl my fingers in my hair. While doing homework, I often felt restless and had sudden urges to pull my hair. One day, while doing homework, I realized I had pulled almost half of my left eyebrow out. That moment made me slowly become more aware of my hair-pulling habits.

At first, I was extremely self-conscious about my hair-pulling. It felt weird and abnormal. Pulling my hair was never something I heard others talk about, and I felt like it made me different. I immediately wanted to hide the areas I had pulled. My eyebrow pencil became my best friend in high school. I would pull out my eyebrows at night and fill them in the next morning. Sometimes I even filled in small parts of my scalp to cover tiny bald spots. I became so self-conscious that I carried a small compact mirror and eyebrow pencil in my back pocket everywhere I went, just in case I needed to reapply or fix smudges.

One of my biggest triggers is stress, especially from school. The pressure of grades and preparing for college often led to test anxiety and feelings of not being good enough. I would take out my anxiety and fears on my hair. When I am stressed, I can feel my heart racing, and I have the urge to do something, like bounce my knee, fidget with my fingers, or tug at my hair, to calm myself.

Over the past two years, I have learned to manage my trichotillomania much better. I can recognize my triggers and use coping strategies such as breathing techniques or taking walks to calm myself. Hobbies like reading and baking also help reduce my stress, which in turn reduces flare-ups. I have learned that managing stress is key to reducing urges. However, I still pull my hair sometimes, and I have learned that this is normal and part of the recovery process.

To anyone struggling with trichotillomania, please know that you are not alone. You are not weird, and you are not abnormal. It is okay to have setbacks, and small achievements are worth celebrating. Trichotillomania can be difficult to navigate, but with the right resources and strategies, improvement is possible. By sharing my story, I hope to help others who are dealing with this condition find support and hope.